befriend your inner child
it has a greater say over your life than you may think.
your inner child is an aspect of yourself that exists within your psyche. it’s not a being separate from you, but rather a part of you that primarily exists within your subconscious mind. it’s the consciousness of your childhood self- preserved in time. you see it show up as nostalgia, hobbies or passions carried over from childhood, and childlike urges- such as the desire to roll down a hill, or to act silly in public with friends. holidays are popular in part for this reason too- the specialness of the occasion allow us to indulge in childlike desires- eating more sweets than usual, doing crafts, singing songs, practicing traditions, playing games with family, staying up past bedtime. as one gets older, one tends to feel younger than they are, at least in mind. you often hear people saying that they thought they would have more know-how, more sense of authority over life, and just feel more “adult” than they do.
“I thought by thirty I would have [insert criteria] figured out!” “Ha! I’m sixty and I still don’t have it figured out”
our inner child is always with us whether we believe it to be or not. this concept can be drawn back to early psychology, where Carl Jung maintained that a multifaceted, collective unconscious resides within each individual. in Jungian psychology, this unconscious consists of universal archetypes which play out similar themes from person to person. this work offers a fascinating perspective on the human mind, especially when parallels are drawn between Jung’s archetypes and the archetypes of astrology. Alice O. Howell’s research is particularly exemplary in this field, and I highly recommend reading her books such as Jungian Symbolism in Astrology and The Heavens Declare: Astrological Ages & the Evolution of Consciousness to learn more about the possible connections between astrology and psychology. it’s certainly something I hope to share more about in future musings.
while modern psychology has evolved beyond Jung’s theories, some aspects of his work remain foundational when it comes to therapeutic practice. the concept of a multi-faceted psyche remains a powerful paradigm, and whole psychotherapy models are based on it. Internal Family Systems is an evidence-based psychotherapy model that aims to bring awareness to the various parts of an individual’s personality and to increase communication and cooperation between different parts. the model maintains that some aspects of our personalities can become “fractalized” or broken off from our conscious understanding of ourselves, and can become frozen in time or stunted due to lack of attention. this often occurs when we experience some form of trauma- whether that trauma has arisen from abuse or simply from the common pains of growing up. what constitutes trauma for an individual is highly subjective, and none of us reach adulthood unscathed. trauma certainly can and does look like heinous acts and crimes, but it can also look like dismissal by a teacher or parent, unresolved conflicts with a sibling, or self-limiting beliefs picked up from religion, media and peers. what we experience as trauma at age three is likely different than how we define trauma as adults; however, if we have not acknowledged and processed how we felt when we experienced whatever left a lasting pain at that age, those perspectives that we developed in early childhood will continue to run in the background of our subconscious mind, influencing how we show up in the world as adults.
it’s therefore imperative that we take the time to get to know our inner child. the subconscious mind influences our reality to a much greater degree than the conscious mind does* and as long as we have aspects of ourselves that are potentially in pain or carrying self-limiting beliefs at the control panel of the subconscious, we are unlikely to experience life in the way that we want to. our unhealed pains or inaccurate perceptions surrounding the “limitations” of life (anything that makes us say “that’s just the way life is”) keep us from taking chances, following our deepest dreams, and engaging in vulnerability that allows us to have the kind of relationships we want.
* (books that speak about this include The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer, A Happy Pocket Full of Money by David Cameron Gikandi, Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza, The Power of Imagination by Neville Goddard, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and the works of Esther Hicks and Abraham.)
we tell ourselves that those dreams, the desire for complete and full self-expression, the yearning to love and feel loved- are impractical and in doing so, we beat our inner child back into the shadows of shame. from a place of shame, we cannot show up to life as whole-hearted individuals (see: Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection or Daring Greatly) and actually miss out on a lot of the magic and joy that life has to offer. we have perhaps learned to push our inner child aside in order to fit in better at school or in the workforce, but it leaves us feeling incomplete, anxiety-ridden or just emotionally deadened. and in time, that begets a cycle of continually striving for pleasures and stimuli outside of ourselves in the hope of easing the internal discomfort that we can’t quite name or perhaps refuse to acknowledge. ignoring it doesn’t mean it’s not there, and the longer you neglect your inner child, the more pain it carries.
so how can we go about meeting and incorporating our inner child into our lives more fully? how can we heal pains that we may not consciously recall? how to we problematize and change self-limiting beliefs if that’s the only paradigm we know?
we need to let our inner child know that we are listening to it and that we honor it. simply setting an intention, either internally or in writing, can send a signal to your subconscious mind to have your inner child come further to the forefront. then it is your responsibility to pay attention to what it shows you. what are your intuitive urges telling you? do you have the impulse to take up a new hobby, or pick up something you haven’t thought about since youth? what were your favorite ways to spend time as a young child? did you love to color, or to make fairy houses in the woods? can you open up time in your schedule to start an art practice again, or to check out a local hike? engaging in things that you loved as a child can help your inner child to feel useful and relevant, and over time it will reveal more of itself to you.
another way that I enjoy honoring my inner child is by giving myself permission to do things that I perhaps didn’t have the freedom to do as a child. for example, as a child I dreamt of living in a fairy cottage- with vines growing over the doorway and little treasures from faraway lands adorning the shelves & windowsills. as an adult, I’ve allowed myself to nurture and propagate an ever-growing collection of houseplants, some of which do crawl up the walls and over door frames. my windowsills are lined with stones, shells and knickknacks I have picked up from various post-collegiate travels, thus my home has a distinctly enchanted feeling. by taking a moment to look at my surroundings with appreciation and acknowledge that my adult self has given my inner child the fairy dwelling of her dreams, that heals various aspects of my inner child. where I once felt embarrassed to like these things and felt shame over being childish, feeling a need to grow up and get “practical”, to stop wanting to incorporate the mystical in my everyday life, I am telling my inner child that it is okay to be who I am. it is safe to be who I am. ultimately, it’s more fun, more beautiful, more interesting to be who I am.
take yourself to places you always wanted to go to when you were young, try the things you wished you could try. structure your day, even if it’s just a sunday, the way you would want to spend a day as a child. eat ice cream for dinner once in a while and think about an eight-year-old version of you looking on with wonder in their eyes like, “wow, I made it”. that part of you is still looking on from within your subconscious.
this work will also reveal where you have adopted limiting beliefs. perhaps you want to pick up an instrument you played as a child, but the prospect of that leaves you with the following thoughts:
“who do I think I’m kidding? am I trying to hold on to the old glory days? I’ll look pathetic”
“no one wants to listen to my music, it’s just mediocre”
“I don’t have the time to practice”
“I don’t have the energy to do that after work”
“I bet my skills have atrophied and I’m afraid to see how bad I am now”
“If I spend time on this, what will my partner/friends/family think?”
“What good will this do if it’s not helping me make money? I have bills to pay.”
“I need to find others to help me and I don’t know where to look”
these thoughts reveal underlying perceptions, such as the belief that vulnerability equals weakness, or that perfection is necessary for a product to have value. these are inaccurate concepts of the world that we have formed based on “kid logic”, perhaps through experiences at school or in early relationships. if we don’t take the time to really consider our underlying beliefs that we take for granted and their origins, they will control our daily choices.
your inner child gives you the dream and then simultaneously reveals how you have internalized the limitations imposed on you by school, authority figures or ways of thinking that are not your own. many of our parents and teachers are operating with the same unhealed and unacknowledged inner children, and their early guidance and instruction can be based on their own limiting beliefs. these can be passed down to us as our young minds accept their perception of the world as reality. healing the wounds of your inner child is therefore generational work, and moving beyond the perceptions that limit you can open up tremendous healing in your entire lineage. some argue that this healing even echoes back to your ancestors long gone and forward to future generations.
the more we identify what beliefs we have taken on and how they affect our inner child, the more we are able to choose new beliefs. when we recognize that we have been holding ourselves back for fear of rejection based on an old wound, we can reparent our inner child with loving compassion. we can say to ourselves, “wow, okay, I didn’t know I still believed that! that’s okay, I can see how I made that conclusion as a kid. I have more wisdom and knowledge now, so I am going to draw a new conclusion from that experience and adopt a different belief that better serves me going forward”. your inner child is sentient- it’s just you after all- and it will begin to respond and bring more joy to your life the more you work to heal it. it will prompt you to take chances and follow your passions, which in time can bring renewal to your relationships, career, sense of purpose and place in the world.
so grab a journal, make an intention to get to know your inner child, and begin recording what comes up. what new ventures do you feel called to? what memories come to the surface? what new talents and opportunities arise when you become more integrated and move from a greater sense of wholeness? I think you will be astounded to see the treasure that your inner child has been saving for you all these years. happy exploring!
always,
emily